Well, where does all the time go? It flies when you're enjoying yourself, and even when you're not, it still - somehow - disappears. And once it's gone, it's gone; you can't get it back.
Just about two months back I decided to take a break from writing this blog, because I was getting a bit stressed with doing it. Not because I wasn't enjoying it, but just because I couldn't keep up with doing it. The busier I was, the more interesting things I had to write about, and the less time. When I wasn't busy, I struggled to think of things to post on; but when I had things to write on, I couldn't do it. So I decided to stop temporarily.
I didn't know how long it would be, but I was thinking it would be about a month. Clearly, as you can tell, it was longer, and it could have been longer still. I didn't have any idea of how long it would be when I started to stop, and that made it more difficult to stop stopping, as it were. It did get to a point where it felt like it was starting to get harder and harder to think about starting again; so, I kind of had to decide I was going to, or I could have continued procrastinating forever. I'm good at that.
But when I started this blog, I wanted it to keep going on. If it does ever come to an end, I want it to be a proper end - i.e. that I decide that this ends for this reason and this other thing is started instead. Which may happen in time, who knows. But what I don't want is for it to just stop.
Like that. So, I've finally started again, thank God. I thank Him anyway, because I'm pretty sure I would have continued to struggle if He didn't help me. I had plenty of ideas, but somehow never got around to writing any of them down. And then I had a week off, and I really wanted/hoped that I would get something on the blog this week.
However, I still didn't know whether I actually would. I know what I can be like. But here we are - I've written this and you're reading it. And it's not actually the first new post - this is.
Showing posts with label rest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rest. Show all posts
Thursday, 4 December 2014
Saturday, 5 April 2014
Annnnd... Rest
So, after getting tired because of working some hours more than usual, that comes to an end again, and I can think about things again.
It's interesting what being too tired does to you, though it doesn't feel too good at the time. My guess is that everyone has experienced it, so I don't need to go into detail here.
The most obvious thing is that you find it more difficult to think. Which not only means it's more difficult to process things, but that you are more liable to make mistakes. And not necessarily pick them up; which means you then have more to deal with, as you have to sort out problems as well as deal with new situations happening.
I also found myself thinking some quite random thoughts; though maybe that's just me, and I noticed them more. But the main problem is that I felt worse. I don't just mean that I found it difficult to concentrate at times, obviously that happened; but that things seemed to be more difficult to deal with. Especially people - not that I'm great at dealing with people in general, anyway.
But it seemed almost as if people were going out of their way to be difficult sometimes. I'm guessing this wasn't actually the case, though how I'd ever find out is beyond me. But, it's great how quick it is to get back to normal (whatever that is) after a bit of rest. I had a couple of days off, which I really enjoyed (and which were mildly productive); and I feel quite different.
But what it really brings home to me is that I am not necessarily a nice person. I'm not saying I'm awful; just that it didn't take that long for me to more or less stop bothering so much with the other person's point of view. You know, why couldn't they just do what I wanted them to do - clearly that would be best for everyone.
Which is an excellent visual of what sin is. Call it 'brokenness' or 'imperfection' if you like; but it's exactly why we need God.
The prayer 'give me strength' is both a cry for help in the most stressful times, and a hope that we can be made better than we are - strong enough, good enough to change things for the better; permanently.
Annnd... rest.
It's interesting what being too tired does to you, though it doesn't feel too good at the time. My guess is that everyone has experienced it, so I don't need to go into detail here.
The most obvious thing is that you find it more difficult to think. Which not only means it's more difficult to process things, but that you are more liable to make mistakes. And not necessarily pick them up; which means you then have more to deal with, as you have to sort out problems as well as deal with new situations happening.
I also found myself thinking some quite random thoughts; though maybe that's just me, and I noticed them more. But the main problem is that I felt worse. I don't just mean that I found it difficult to concentrate at times, obviously that happened; but that things seemed to be more difficult to deal with. Especially people - not that I'm great at dealing with people in general, anyway.
But it seemed almost as if people were going out of their way to be difficult sometimes. I'm guessing this wasn't actually the case, though how I'd ever find out is beyond me. But, it's great how quick it is to get back to normal (whatever that is) after a bit of rest. I had a couple of days off, which I really enjoyed (and which were mildly productive); and I feel quite different.
But what it really brings home to me is that I am not necessarily a nice person. I'm not saying I'm awful; just that it didn't take that long for me to more or less stop bothering so much with the other person's point of view. You know, why couldn't they just do what I wanted them to do - clearly that would be best for everyone.
Which is an excellent visual of what sin is. Call it 'brokenness' or 'imperfection' if you like; but it's exactly why we need God.
The prayer 'give me strength' is both a cry for help in the most stressful times, and a hope that we can be made better than we are - strong enough, good enough to change things for the better; permanently.
Annnd... rest.
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Getting Tired.
I am probably going to get increasingly tired as this month progresses. I can tell already that it is happening, as I'm making silly mistakes at work. Thankfully, God is gracious, and is helping me sort them out before they escalate. The reason for this tiredness is because the manager is on holiday. Which means that not only am I working more hours, but that I have more to do.
And not only that, but several days, I'm pretty much the only one in the shop. So, not only does that make it difficult to get a proper break sometimes, but I have to deal with all the problems. You'd be amazed how many problems there can be - maybe. All of them are caused by people not being co-operative; it seems incredible just how many ways there are of not being co-operative. Sometimes it seems like people are just doing things to be non co-operative, but that can't be right. I mean, who'd do that?
Anyway, because I'm tired, I'm thinking strange things - or at least different. I'm finding it challenging to deal with people; though that's nothing new. I'm an introvert, as I have mentioned previously; and that means that when I'm tired, I really prefer to spend time on my own. I sometimes think it an indication of God's sense of humour that He has put me in jobs where I have to deal with people all day. The point being, I guess, that in pushing against my weaknesses, I get stronger in those areas. Which has definitely happened - and is still doing so.
And the other line of thought I keep going over and over is whether I should be doing this. As I said, in some ways, this job appears to be playing against my weaknesses; but, not really to my strengths. So, if not this, then what should I be doing; if anything? And, more importantly, how do I get there? The two ideas that have been coming up again and again have been doing another degree (you know, just because), and writing. I have no idea how I would do the first; and the second I can do, but how do I make something of it?
So, that's what I've been thinking about and around. Without coming to any conclusions. Except that I keep coming back to the thought that God said this year would be about surprise; so I'm kind of hoping there's something in that...
And not only that, but several days, I'm pretty much the only one in the shop. So, not only does that make it difficult to get a proper break sometimes, but I have to deal with all the problems. You'd be amazed how many problems there can be - maybe. All of them are caused by people not being co-operative; it seems incredible just how many ways there are of not being co-operative. Sometimes it seems like people are just doing things to be non co-operative, but that can't be right. I mean, who'd do that?
Anyway, because I'm tired, I'm thinking strange things - or at least different. I'm finding it challenging to deal with people; though that's nothing new. I'm an introvert, as I have mentioned previously; and that means that when I'm tired, I really prefer to spend time on my own. I sometimes think it an indication of God's sense of humour that He has put me in jobs where I have to deal with people all day. The point being, I guess, that in pushing against my weaknesses, I get stronger in those areas. Which has definitely happened - and is still doing so.
And the other line of thought I keep going over and over is whether I should be doing this. As I said, in some ways, this job appears to be playing against my weaknesses; but, not really to my strengths. So, if not this, then what should I be doing; if anything? And, more importantly, how do I get there? The two ideas that have been coming up again and again have been doing another degree (you know, just because), and writing. I have no idea how I would do the first; and the second I can do, but how do I make something of it?
So, that's what I've been thinking about and around. Without coming to any conclusions. Except that I keep coming back to the thought that God said this year would be about surprise; so I'm kind of hoping there's something in that...
Tuesday, 24 September 2013
The Power Of Love
Well, after waking up in the evening (see last post), I went to church. I think the fact that I was still tired was probably important, given what happened later. The service was pretty normal, except Hellie was speaking, which is pretty rare-she's not actually around much at the moment. She spoke on prayer, and on the importance of not only keeping on, but pushing in with prayer, about actually caring about whatever you are praying about. It was a great talk, and I recommend it (you can listen here if you want).
I went up for prayer afterwards, because I felt that I didn't really care. Note, not that I cared quite a bit, but wanted to care more; but that I cared hardly at all. Now, a week later, I think that wasn't exactly inaccurate, but it wasn't as bad as (ironically) I felt at the time-I think it was partly the tiredness that made me feel like that so much. But, I also feel that it was something God wanted me to bring to him at that time. Anyway, I got prayer, and the guy who prayed for me said 2 things (that I remember). One was that God had oceans more love to pour over me; and the other was that He wanted me to focus on resting and receiving His love when I prayed. And as we had a week of prayer coming up this week, I felt that the timing couldn't have been better (funny that). And what God said to me (that I remember) was that He loves my sense of humour- not something I could ever imagine He would say, so I'm pretty sure it was Him.
So, Monday, the start of the week was my day off. Not usual, but a very good way to start a week of resting in prayer. After breakfast, I decided to pray and just wait and listen to God; which is a great way to start any day you can. I did feel very relaxed by the time I went to town to do a few things, like go to the library. I was considering visiting my sister, but felt that wasn't the best thing to do then-and on the way home, someone asked me for money for the bus, and I gave him my weekly bus ticket instead. When I came home, just before 7, I thought about going to the prayer meeting, but didn't make it out of the house. Instead, I prayed at home again. This time, God said that He loved my mind. Not that I was intelligent, so much as the way I look at things was something He likes. And the other thing I remember was reading a bit from a novel that brought tears to my eyes-making it clear that I can and do care.
Tuesday was work as normal, apart from it not being normal for me to work on a Tuesday. Nothing out of the ordinary there, and this time, I did manage to get to the evening prayer meeting. Which was completely different to what I expected, in a way. I was kind of expecting/hoping that it would be more or less us individually meeting with God; but it was much more directed than that. We split into small groups, and I got together with my small group leader to pray. We were praying first about people we could speak to about God, and the people on my mind (strangely?) were some of the bar staff from the pub next door, most of whom are pretty new. I've been getting to know a couple of them a bit recently, and I was praying into that, and that people from church generally build up relationships with them. We prayed about some other things; but that is the thing that has stayed with me. When I got home, I read a bit of the Bible, and I read the bit where Jesus asks his disciples who they think He is; and Peter says He is the Son of God. At that point, He reminded me that He has said before that I am His son; He loves me because I am His son, and I am His son because He loves me.
Well, Wednesday was a bit different again. Working in Gloucester again, but actually fairly relaxed. Not starting so early and finishing a bit earlier too. And I managed to get to the meeting again, choosing to go there instead of my small group. This evening was completely different, not least because there were far more people there-it was pretty much packed.I guess most of the clusters/small groups were there; or at least the ones that met on Wednesdays. It was also quite different in content and feeling, at least for me. It was all about praising and spending time focusing on God. At the end, I chatted to quite a few people; and God pointed out very quietly that I do care about people and relationships, and that is another thing He loves about me. One of the people I spoke to asked me what I thought of her latest blog post, which I really quite like. I think it is beautiful and poetic in nature, and quite thought provoking-read it here. Go on, do it.
On Thursday, I didn't go to the prayer meeting. I was feeling tired after working in Gloucester again, and when God asked me what I really wanted to do, I figured I actually wanted to stay at home and relax. Sometimes, I think, He doesn't actually mind so much what we do, as long as we actually make a decision, and don't just drift. So I relaxed at home- I did write my last post, but apart from that, I just relaxed and prayed. The main thing He said then was to remind me that there are things I care about, as well as people; and that is just as important.
Friday, I was back in Cheltenham, working a normal shift. Which was nice. Almost like having a lie-in. It was quite quiet during the day as well, which isn't as good. But, anyway, what it meant was that when I got to the prayer meeting in the evening, I was really awake and up for it. It was a really good time, although I can't actually remember most of it, or tell you what went on for most people, as I was on the floor, relaxing with God. I can't say I had much choice in the matter (well, alright, none); but it was definitely a great way to end the week of prayer. While I was laying there, Tim spoke about Ezekiel 47 and I meditated on that for a while. I remember reading that what happens there is totally not natural-a stream/river with only one source cannot grow any deeper. So whatever is happening here is God doing something only He can do. And how He is doing it, I have no idea. Then I thought about what that means for any attributes of God. Whatever is represented by this-God's presence, His power, His love- He is making it clear that it cannot be measured; the more of it you see, the more there is to see. In a way, a tiny bit like looking this. Just a tiny bit. So, focus on this picture for a bit, and just think-whatever you think you know of God, He is much, much, more than that.
The weekend was a little different, because the week of prayer had finished. Saturday was pretty quiet at work, which was incredibly frustrating; and what I became aware of was that God was there, always. When things are good, He is there; when things are great, He is there, and when things aren't so good, He is still there. Whatever happens, whenever, and wherever, He is there. Sunday was different again, because it was a day off, and very relaxing overall; but actually felt very productive. For one thing, I didn't go to church in the morning, but prayed at home; and was praying about Trinity Arts, which was very encouraging. And another thing, I wrote a poem. Which was also encouraging, as I haven't been writing that many for the last couple of years. I've wanted to, I just haven't managed it. And then I went to church in the evening, which was quite something; it was pretty crowded as there was a lot of celebrating going on. The theme of the music seemed to be 'love'-pretty much all the songs were about love or grace; so, you know, it was kind of like it was planned just for me. That's sort of how I felt, anyway. I saw some friends I hadn't seen for weeks, and met some new people; and God spoke through me to some of them. All in all, a great evening for me; I loved it. Exactly what He had in mind, I imagine.
Looking back over the week, I think that where I was at the beginning of the week was exactly where God wanted me to be; and where I was at the end of the week was a lot closer to where He wants me to be. I also think that I was wrong in thinking that I don't care enough; it's just that I care differently from some people. A lot of people I know seem to be passionate about something; but what I hadn't noticed so much is that they are only passionate about one or two things. Which makes sense; because it would be impossible to cope if you tried to be passionate about everything. But that doesn't mean they don't care about other things; and I do care about things.
One of the things I care about is human trafficking being ended. Which is why I have joined my local Act for Justice group; which is a local group supporting the work of the charity Hope for Justice.
I went up for prayer afterwards, because I felt that I didn't really care. Note, not that I cared quite a bit, but wanted to care more; but that I cared hardly at all. Now, a week later, I think that wasn't exactly inaccurate, but it wasn't as bad as (ironically) I felt at the time-I think it was partly the tiredness that made me feel like that so much. But, I also feel that it was something God wanted me to bring to him at that time. Anyway, I got prayer, and the guy who prayed for me said 2 things (that I remember). One was that God had oceans more love to pour over me; and the other was that He wanted me to focus on resting and receiving His love when I prayed. And as we had a week of prayer coming up this week, I felt that the timing couldn't have been better (funny that). And what God said to me (that I remember) was that He loves my sense of humour- not something I could ever imagine He would say, so I'm pretty sure it was Him.
So, Monday, the start of the week was my day off. Not usual, but a very good way to start a week of resting in prayer. After breakfast, I decided to pray and just wait and listen to God; which is a great way to start any day you can. I did feel very relaxed by the time I went to town to do a few things, like go to the library. I was considering visiting my sister, but felt that wasn't the best thing to do then-and on the way home, someone asked me for money for the bus, and I gave him my weekly bus ticket instead. When I came home, just before 7, I thought about going to the prayer meeting, but didn't make it out of the house. Instead, I prayed at home again. This time, God said that He loved my mind. Not that I was intelligent, so much as the way I look at things was something He likes. And the other thing I remember was reading a bit from a novel that brought tears to my eyes-making it clear that I can and do care.
Tuesday was work as normal, apart from it not being normal for me to work on a Tuesday. Nothing out of the ordinary there, and this time, I did manage to get to the evening prayer meeting. Which was completely different to what I expected, in a way. I was kind of expecting/hoping that it would be more or less us individually meeting with God; but it was much more directed than that. We split into small groups, and I got together with my small group leader to pray. We were praying first about people we could speak to about God, and the people on my mind (strangely?) were some of the bar staff from the pub next door, most of whom are pretty new. I've been getting to know a couple of them a bit recently, and I was praying into that, and that people from church generally build up relationships with them. We prayed about some other things; but that is the thing that has stayed with me. When I got home, I read a bit of the Bible, and I read the bit where Jesus asks his disciples who they think He is; and Peter says He is the Son of God. At that point, He reminded me that He has said before that I am His son; He loves me because I am His son, and I am His son because He loves me.
Well, Wednesday was a bit different again. Working in Gloucester again, but actually fairly relaxed. Not starting so early and finishing a bit earlier too. And I managed to get to the meeting again, choosing to go there instead of my small group. This evening was completely different, not least because there were far more people there-it was pretty much packed.I guess most of the clusters/small groups were there; or at least the ones that met on Wednesdays. It was also quite different in content and feeling, at least for me. It was all about praising and spending time focusing on God. At the end, I chatted to quite a few people; and God pointed out very quietly that I do care about people and relationships, and that is another thing He loves about me. One of the people I spoke to asked me what I thought of her latest blog post, which I really quite like. I think it is beautiful and poetic in nature, and quite thought provoking-read it here. Go on, do it.
On Thursday, I didn't go to the prayer meeting. I was feeling tired after working in Gloucester again, and when God asked me what I really wanted to do, I figured I actually wanted to stay at home and relax. Sometimes, I think, He doesn't actually mind so much what we do, as long as we actually make a decision, and don't just drift. So I relaxed at home- I did write my last post, but apart from that, I just relaxed and prayed. The main thing He said then was to remind me that there are things I care about, as well as people; and that is just as important.
The weekend was a little different, because the week of prayer had finished. Saturday was pretty quiet at work, which was incredibly frustrating; and what I became aware of was that God was there, always. When things are good, He is there; when things are great, He is there, and when things aren't so good, He is still there. Whatever happens, whenever, and wherever, He is there. Sunday was different again, because it was a day off, and very relaxing overall; but actually felt very productive. For one thing, I didn't go to church in the morning, but prayed at home; and was praying about Trinity Arts, which was very encouraging. And another thing, I wrote a poem. Which was also encouraging, as I haven't been writing that many for the last couple of years. I've wanted to, I just haven't managed it. And then I went to church in the evening, which was quite something; it was pretty crowded as there was a lot of celebrating going on. The theme of the music seemed to be 'love'-pretty much all the songs were about love or grace; so, you know, it was kind of like it was planned just for me. That's sort of how I felt, anyway. I saw some friends I hadn't seen for weeks, and met some new people; and God spoke through me to some of them. All in all, a great evening for me; I loved it. Exactly what He had in mind, I imagine.
Looking back over the week, I think that where I was at the beginning of the week was exactly where God wanted me to be; and where I was at the end of the week was a lot closer to where He wants me to be. I also think that I was wrong in thinking that I don't care enough; it's just that I care differently from some people. A lot of people I know seem to be passionate about something; but what I hadn't noticed so much is that they are only passionate about one or two things. Which makes sense; because it would be impossible to cope if you tried to be passionate about everything. But that doesn't mean they don't care about other things; and I do care about things.
One of the things I care about is human trafficking being ended. Which is why I have joined my local Act for Justice group; which is a local group supporting the work of the charity Hope for Justice.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
TIRED!!!!!!
Well, after that great weekend, I had a rather surprising week following it. I went into work on Monday, expecting it to be a pretty normal week (apart from having an extra day off on Friday), only to be asked if I could work in the Gloucester branch the next day (my normal day off) to cover for someone being off ill. I didn't have anything planned, so I was fine with that, so it would be working the next couple of days, and having Thursday and Friday off-one of them would have been taking some flexi-time hours. Fine.
I got asked to a do a full day on the Tuesday, which is unusual, and started with a meeting. We have meetings every month or so in Gloucester, but I don't have to go to them, as I'm not usually working when they're on. In fact, this was the first one I'd ever been to. And, actually, it was quite interesting. Probably because it was mainly to give information, so I got to find out all sorts of stuff about departments I don't often have anything to do with, and met a couple of new people. New to me, I mean. I guess it would have been a bit different if there was more decision making going on, as I probably would have been at a bit of a loss, as it would have felt like I had come in part way through the discussion. There was one decision made, but it was introduced and finished in about 5 mins. Also, we are thinking about having a more structured pricing system, though there are issues with that that have already made themselves known.
Anyway, I started my day in the shop, which was fairly busy, and as the day progressed, it became clear that I might be needed there for longer than just the day. By the end of the day, it had been decided to pay me for all my flexi, (which adds up to about a week's worth-nice) and that I would be in full days for the rest of the week. Except Friday, when I was busy. And I can say that at the end of that, I was very tired!
All the more so, because I didn't quite relax on my day off. I did a bit, managing a bit of a lie-in, but a friend of mine was moving house to literally the next road from me, and I'd said I might be able to help. I didn't actually do that much in the end, as I didn't manage to leave my house until about 12, but I did help for a couple of hours. I didn't feel like I really did that much, but at least it was something; and I've heard that she is happily settled in now-which I figure means another housewarming party coming up sometime.
And the reason why I couldn't help for longer was that I had sorted out meeting up with a friend who I hadn't seen properly for ages. I'd seen him in passing quite often, but I honestly can't remember the last time we actually got together and chatted. We met up in a pub in Gloucester, and were there for...a while. A few hours, definitely, until he had to go and meet his wife and parents-in-law. Which he may or may not have been looking forward to. I was tempted by a pint of Black Rat, but I figured it was not the sort of drink to have in the afternoon, so I stuck to Stowford-and hot chocolate. It seemed that our conversation was random enough anyway-and the afternoon was definitely a good time.
I caught up a bit on Sunday afternoon. I wasn't feeling great, so I decided to lay down for a bit-and woke up just before 6. At least then, I was feeling better. So, it was pretty clear that I was tired! But I did have a fairly good time, anyway, during the week. I had some good conversations with friends, mostly online; but I did happen to meet one on the bus each morning, which was pretty great.
I got asked to a do a full day on the Tuesday, which is unusual, and started with a meeting. We have meetings every month or so in Gloucester, but I don't have to go to them, as I'm not usually working when they're on. In fact, this was the first one I'd ever been to. And, actually, it was quite interesting. Probably because it was mainly to give information, so I got to find out all sorts of stuff about departments I don't often have anything to do with, and met a couple of new people. New to me, I mean. I guess it would have been a bit different if there was more decision making going on, as I probably would have been at a bit of a loss, as it would have felt like I had come in part way through the discussion. There was one decision made, but it was introduced and finished in about 5 mins. Also, we are thinking about having a more structured pricing system, though there are issues with that that have already made themselves known.
Anyway, I started my day in the shop, which was fairly busy, and as the day progressed, it became clear that I might be needed there for longer than just the day. By the end of the day, it had been decided to pay me for all my flexi, (which adds up to about a week's worth-nice) and that I would be in full days for the rest of the week. Except Friday, when I was busy. And I can say that at the end of that, I was very tired!
All the more so, because I didn't quite relax on my day off. I did a bit, managing a bit of a lie-in, but a friend of mine was moving house to literally the next road from me, and I'd said I might be able to help. I didn't actually do that much in the end, as I didn't manage to leave my house until about 12, but I did help for a couple of hours. I didn't feel like I really did that much, but at least it was something; and I've heard that she is happily settled in now-which I figure means another housewarming party coming up sometime.
And the reason why I couldn't help for longer was that I had sorted out meeting up with a friend who I hadn't seen properly for ages. I'd seen him in passing quite often, but I honestly can't remember the last time we actually got together and chatted. We met up in a pub in Gloucester, and were there for...a while. A few hours, definitely, until he had to go and meet his wife and parents-in-law. Which he may or may not have been looking forward to. I was tempted by a pint of Black Rat, but I figured it was not the sort of drink to have in the afternoon, so I stuck to Stowford-and hot chocolate. It seemed that our conversation was random enough anyway-and the afternoon was definitely a good time.
I caught up a bit on Sunday afternoon. I wasn't feeling great, so I decided to lay down for a bit-and woke up just before 6. At least then, I was feeling better. So, it was pretty clear that I was tired! But I did have a fairly good time, anyway, during the week. I had some good conversations with friends, mostly online; but I did happen to meet one on the bus each morning, which was pretty great.
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