I Am Margaret

I recently read an ebook - a debut novel by a Catholic author. I was given Amazon vouchers for my birthday, and was wondering what to spend them on, when I saw an ad for this:-
                                              
                                                            

This is the cover for 'I Am Margaret', and I think it's brilliant. It's both simple and powerful, partly because it is so stark. It gives something of an impression of what the novel holds, while also showing somewhat the tone of the novel. Stark and powerful - both the cover and the novel itself.

Set in a dystopian future, it is the story of Margaret, who is judged imperfect and taken to the Facility, where she will ultimately be dismantled, broken down for spare parts while fully conscious - unless she can escape. But no-one has ever escaped from a Facility before...

And it is the story of those in the Facility with her, not all of whom survive. The Facility is the ultimate expression of the world they exist in; a world where people are valued for what they are rather than who they are, a world where the material is all that is allowed to exist.

Without giving too much away, I will say that there is more going on in this book than at first appears on the surface - and that 'I Am Margaret' is the title of more than just this book. It peels back the layers of society in much the same way as the society peels away the layers of those who are dismantled; and it questions whether people really are just what they seem on the surface. Is there more to life than this - and, if so, what?

I also really liked the characterisation of the various people in the book, both guards and inmates. Particularly the character of Sarah, who is brain damaged due to an accident in her childhood; and genuinely has no idea of why she is there, and not much more of what could happen, what will happen.

This reminded me a bit of 'The Cure' by Michael Coleman, and like that ended with a note of hope; but unlike that, the story doesn't end here. This is the first of a trilogy, and I have to say I'm very much looking forward to the next in the series. but for now, I'lll leave you with this trailer:-

                                                                  

Getting Tired.

I am probably going to get increasingly tired as this month progresses. I can tell already that it is happening, as I'm making silly mistakes at work. Thankfully, God is gracious, and is helping me sort them out before they escalate. The reason for this tiredness is because the manager is on holiday. Which means that not only am I working more hours, but that I have more to do.

And not only that, but several days, I'm pretty much the only one in the shop. So, not only does that make it difficult to get a proper break sometimes, but I have to deal with all the problems. You'd be amazed how many problems there can be - maybe. All of them are caused by people not being co-operative; it seems incredible just how many ways there are of not being co-operative. Sometimes it seems like people are just doing things to be non co-operative, but that can't be right. I mean, who'd do that?

Anyway, because I'm tired, I'm thinking strange things - or at least different. I'm finding it challenging to deal with people; though that's nothing new. I'm an introvert, as I have mentioned previously; and that means that when I'm tired, I really prefer to spend time on my own. I sometimes think it an indication of God's sense of humour that He has put me in jobs where I have to deal with people all day. The point being, I guess, that in pushing against my weaknesses, I get stronger in those areas. Which has definitely happened - and is still doing so.

And the other line of thought I keep going over and over is whether I should be doing this. As I said, in some ways, this job appears to be playing against my weaknesses; but, not really to my strengths. So, if not this, then what should I be doing; if anything? And, more importantly, how do I get there? The two ideas that have been coming up again and again have been doing another degree (you know, just because), and writing. I have no idea how I would do the first; and the second I can do, but how do I make something of it?

So, that's what I've been thinking about and around. Without coming to any conclusions. Except that I keep coming back to the thought that God said this year would be about surprise; so I'm kind of hoping there's something in that...

On Being Resolved!

Well, this is a bit of an odd post. In that, normally, you would expect one like this to come at the beginning of a year. But I decided to leave it for a bit, because, although I can see some good in making resolutions at New Year, it's always felt somewhat artificial to me. And I think that resolutions can be done at any time, so it's better to think about them, and do them when you are clear on them.

So, my 'resolutions', such as they are, are a bit different to how you might expect. I've been thinking about what God has been doing, and what He has been showing me of what the future might hold; and resolved to try to go along with that, as much as possible.

Therefore, my first resolution is to keep working on relationships. Mainly those I already have, as that is difficult enough for me-and, as I get better at them, then I should get better at new ones, too. I have been putting a lot of energy into that over the past few months, and that has been good in several ways. I have learned a lot about myself by pushing myself in relationships, where previously I probably wouldn't have; and, though at times, it hs been exhausting, it has also been rewarding. I have changed for the better, in that I am finding relationships easier, and also enjoying them more. I am finding it more enjoyable spending time with people (though, as I'm an introvert, it can also be quite tiring at times, and I must watch that); and, more importantly, I'm getting to know new people. And I'm really glad I do.

My second is to try to be more open to God more often, and co-operate when He shows me stuff He wants me to do. He said a while back that the word He wants to use to sum up this year for me is 'surprise' (see here), and I'm kind of looking forward to that. But the important thing in that is that if I'm going to have anything change permanently, then I have to do things-but they have to be the right things. So, co-operation with God.

And, following on from that, the other resolution is to take opportunities more often. This goes along with both the previous ones; both in that God will offer me opportunities that I can choose to take (or not), and also, as I continue to build relationships, other possibilities will come up that I can choose to do something about. probably nothing bad will happen if I don't take them; but also, nothing will necessarily change. And change is an integral part of life, so, if I want to live, I have to be willing to change. Which I'm okay with, but, more importantly, I have to be willing to make change happen. I'm neither good at, nor comfortable with doing that; but, it is something that needs to happen. So I need to do it.

That's my resolutions. I'm putting them down here, for two reasons. First, to get them clear in my head; to know what I want and need, and what I have to aim for. And, second, to let others know, so you can help. Ask me about them, and encourage me in them. I hope you do. Thanks in advance.

One Word!

A while back, someone I'm in touch with sent me this post about asking God for a word from Him to direct your year. The word will be something to focus on over the year, and, as you do so, He will put you in situations where He will show you how the word is important in your life. To shape and direct you as much as guide you to the future He has for you. Now I don't know why she sent it to me, but I am sure that God is behind it.

I started to pray about it immediately, and He gave me the word straight away; but I doubted it was the right word. Mainly because it just didn't sound right. The word for me was (and is) 'surprise'. When I heard that, I wasn't sure about it, for a couple of reasons. One, because I was expecting a 'spiritual' word; and, two, because I wondered what I could do with it. I thought that if it was the word, then it would be all about God doing things, and catching me by surprise; but, not really anything I could do anything about-after all, I can't exactly surprise myself. But further questioning revealed that I was both right and wrong. Right in what the word is, that has been the only answer I've received on asking; and wrong on what I thought of it.

There is actually something I can focus on and pray about in this-and it is a challenge. One attitude He wants to challenge (is challenging) is the idea that certain things in my life are never going to change-either that I can't change them, or He isn't going to. Or both. And to go along with that, the fact that when (not if) He changes things, I will have to do things in response. Some of those responses will be easy, or at least straightforward; and some most definitely won't. But, if He does things, He will expect me to grasp the opportunities He creates, and go for them.

I've been listening to the song 'Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) tonight, which contains the line "I'll find You in the mystery"; which seems quite straightforward. After all, if God is God, then we should expect not to ever fully understand Him. But, as far as this goes, if I seriously look into Him, I should expect to be surprised-and to a certain extent, if I'm not, I'm probably not paying attention; maybe taking Him for granted. And that is not only disrespectful rude wrong, but also dangerous. I mean, if I'm going to trust someone, I should get to know them, right?

So, in the (almost) three weeks of the year so far, have there been any indications of things I might get surprised by. Well, this is an obvious example. I've done more posts quicker than ever before, and I still have plenty of ideas. Which is great. But I still have to do them. Which is kind of the point, I think. Whatever He gives me (us?), I (we?) have to do something about/with. The other main thing I have some sense might be changing this year are my relationships. I noticed that towards the end of last year, that I've started a lot of new relationships and refreshed some old ones. And what I noticed with that is that it is difficult. Well, duh. But, again, the whole point. If I want things to get better (and things can always get better, somehow), then I have to be willing to put the work in. And keep doing it. For as long as necessary, which may well be longer than I think-or want it to be. Right?

As an aside, we have been using Oceans for about a year at my church; and, I've always found it a powerful song. There is a refrain in it which talks about asking him to lead me me where my trust is without borders, which I've always enjoyed singing; but, always without fail, found somewhat scary. I think this means that those prayers are being answered. And I'm still scared. But that's good, I think-at least that means I'm taking it seriously. And Him.

Back To Normal-ness

Well, after all the fun and games going on over Christmas and New Year, normal life was always going to be a bit...well, bland. Which is mainly why I have taken so long to write about what has happened so far in this new year.

Because so far, not much has happened; either good or bad. I mean, obviously stuff has happened, I haven't just slept for almost a fortnight (though if I had, that might be worth talking about); but, not actually much of any interest. One highlight over the last 10 days was playing 'Zombies'-definitely good to know it was just as much fun the second time around-but, you know, not really something worth talking about in detail.

And, other than that, not really much has gone on. Work has been quieter than usual, overall, I think; and I haven't really gone out much in the evenings. So, so far, January has been a lot quieter than December; which is kind of to be expected, I guess. After all, with the end of the year celebrations, there's a lot more going on in December than most other times; and, not so many people want to really do much right after that because they're exhausted/feeling poor/needing to catch up on work/etc.

So, not much has happened. Yet. But I know that things won't continue in that vein, as I know certain things that are coming up soon. For instance, I'm going to a friend's flat warming party tomorrow, and my mum and my sister both have birthdays over the next week or so. Which will be good, and give me something more to talk about-if I get the time.

However, one thing that is worth talking about is the new course/programme/thing at church. Called 'How Do I Make The Most Of My Life?' it's going to be over 5 weeks-which means it will finish in the middle of Feb. Which means I can't really tell much about it yet, as we have only done one week of it so far. But it's been powerful so far.

I would say that what I have seen so far of this year is that it seems to be giving my relationships a (needed) boost. I'm not sure if there's a particular reason, but that definitely seems to be something that God has been blessing. And I have been responding well, and enjoying it.

And the other thing, which should be pretty obvious, is that I have been doing a lot more on this blog-and hopefully, some interesting posts coming up. I have had plenty of ideas (which doesn't seem to be changing, growing if anything), so I look forward to the future in that regard as well...

Looking Back - And Forward

This post is a bit late really, as it's looking back at the first year of doing this blog-which happened at the end of September. Though that's not actually a bad thing, as it gives me a bit of time to reflect on what I've done with it and learned and what I'd like to do; because I really had no idea when I started. About all I knew for certain, apart from than that God wanted me to do it (and one reason for that is that I can write, therefore I should, as much as possible), was that some/most of it would be autobiographical. Indeed, the first post is all about me. Sort of. It's clearly, looking back, very hesitant, with some (poor) attempts at humour; but, still, quite a few people have read it. Maybe just out of curiosity because it was the first post-but they did read it.

So, looking back, what has this last year held, and what has the blog become?
Well, it's fairly clear what the year has held, because, as I thought would probably be the case, most of it is autobiographical. So you just have to look back over previous posts to see some of what I got up to and what happened (to me). Not all of it, because when I was particularly busy, I didn't really have time to write as many posts as I wished I could have-and when I was in feeling low I didn't write many posts either. Which is why it isn't as regular as I might have hoped, though I can't really say I'm surprised at that. I am almost surprised that it's kept going, as persistence has never been one of my strong points; but I know God has helped me in that-and most of the time, I've enjoyed writing it. And enjoyed people's comments when they've given them.

Is there anything that stands out to me over the past year?
I'm not sure that there's anything about the blog itself that stands out to me, but a few of the things I actually did do. For instance, when I started, I didn't realise how often I would see performances of various things. I think that's actually another instance of God's sense of humour-I've always liked theatre, but I haven't seen that much of it in the time up to starting this, and then several things in the one year (and a bit). The other thing that I guess stands out is the fact that I wrote about various church services. I mean, I go to church generally at least once a week, so there's plenty of material there; but, there are ones I've written about which are a bit different, in various ways.

And is there anything that is surprising, particularly pleasing or disappointing about it so far?
To be honest, there's not actually that much that's surprising, because I didn't really have any expectations when I started it. But one thing that has really quite surprised me are the poems. Partly the fact that I wrote poems at all, because I've been struggling with that over the past couple of years; but also the fact that so many have ended up as posts-here and here, for instance-and have been popular. One of them is currently the most viewed post on here. I'm quite pleased that there have been quite a variety of topics, some very unexpected. the things I have been most disappointed in are that, generally, it still isn't viewed that much; though more than it was. And, also, that my post with the lowest number of views is the one about my birthday celebrations. I really hope that this year's one is better read-especially as it's a big birthday.

Given all that, is there anything that I will change going forward?
I'd love to be able to say that I plan to do 10-15 posts a month every month, or that I intend to write about a whole range of particular subjects;, but I know that won't work. If I plan too far ahead and something goes wrong (which it almost certainly would-the one thing you can predict with certainty is that the unpredicted will happen at some point), then I would struggle to get it back on track. I am amazed at people who manage to blog almost every day. So, all I will say is that I definitely intend to continue, and I will certainly try to blog more often. But other than that, I can't say. Watch this space, as it were...

And what am I looking forward to this year coming up?
Again, not something I would like to go into great detail on, because I just don't know yet. one thing I can say I'm looking forward to is my birthday celebrations, because, as I said, it's a big one this year. But mainly just more of what was good about this year continuing-I intend to write a post sort of about resolutions at some point, so I may discuss this whole thing there. I'll probably have more of an idea by then as well.

May - A Magnificent Month!

I was going to call this one 'A Month Of Luxury' as I appear to have spent a lot of money, but I can't really remember what I spent it all on. If there were any luxuries, you'll have to figure them out for yourselves by (re)reading the previous few posts.

However, the month as a whole was very good, with all sorts of interesting things happening. Obviously, the most important thing was the whole moving house business (you know, that tiny little thing at the beginning of the month); which was more important than I knew then. I knew something of how it was important, in that it was a new start, and also that it was God wanting me to challenge myself and step out of my comfort zone again. The thing about comfort zones is that they move-when you have moved out of it, it moves back around you, and the new place and/or situation becomes comfortable; and, once again, it becomes an effort to move on. And sometimes moving on is important. I never wanted to move just for the sake of moving, I have thought for a while that it is better to move to something, rather than from it. But here I had a great opportunity to move somewhere nice with a good friend, literally just down the road; and the main reason I was hesitating was because not doing it was easier. And, though I can't say that I had any great answer to prayer about it, that was what decided me-that I could do it, and that I should at least give it decent consideration. And changing from saying 'hmm, maybe' to planning how was moving on in itself.
And that was definitely A Good Thing. Since I moved I have felt a lot better in myself. A lot happier and calmer. I can't trace it to anything in particular, but in general I feel better all over. about the only thing I have to be slightly disappointed about is the fact that I didn't write any poems in the month. So i'll have to make sure I try extra hard to do so this month.

And after that had all happened, I then had a very busy month. Which if you've been reading, you'll already have some idea of. I can tell how busy I was as I didn't read as many books as usual-something which seems to be happening again this month. Lots of parties and events. Which isn't usual, but I think is something that God wants to happen more often from now on. And I think He wants me to be arranging some on a (semi) regular basis. Which isn't something I think I'm that good at. Definitely not, if past experience is anything to go by-but if that's what He wants, then He's going to put a lot of effort into ensuring that that's what He gets. Which means He will keep nudging me to do things, however reluctant I am to do them; and I guess that it will change me, as well as others. I can only hope.
So, not only was it a very good month in itself; but it looks like this is going to be a very good future as well. I look forward to finding out what it's going to be like...

Moving Out, Moving On, Settling In

I have been very busy over the past week or so, what with moving house and all. So, to go back to the end of  last month, as I was doing the last bits of packing, and my mum was cleaning and telling me what to do. I was quite surprised at exactly how much cleaning there was that could be done; and, also, exactly how much cleaner the place could get. I'm certain it ended up cleaner than it was when I arrived; and it definitely had the right effect, in that I got my deposit back from the landlord pretty much straight away.

So, the next day was moving day. My new housemate came round to help move all my stuff from my place to his, while my mum was still working on my room, and at some point, I cleaned the oven. Not something I ever want to do again if I can manage it; but I guess that'll be one of those things that has to happen every so often. And so, between us, we managed to move everything from one place to the other; and I found time to sign the contracts and get the final readings from the meters, and then, I had to phone my landlord, and let him know that I'd moved out. On top of that, I wrote a poem inspired by what it could mean for me. And I also found about 20 stamps to go to the Donkey Sanctuary. Completely, totally exhausting-and I was only moving down the road.

I remember looking around at some point when almost everything was out of the place, and thinking how different it was. It was quite sad, but also quite wistful, in a way. Sort of like I could see a whole load of potential for things to be discovered. Thinking about it, it's kind of what I should be thinking about life now I'm in the new place. I don't know what's going to happen in this new place, but I'm looking forward to finding out. One thing I'm sure of, though, is that I won't be as passive in this place. To a certain extent, I'm confident that there are more opportunities here-but, mostly, I will have to go for them to a certain degree. And I aim to try. And keep trying.

Being in the new place was very different. For a start, it's a lot nicer than where I was before. I didn't think I was particularly bothered  by this when I there, but now I am here, I can see the difference in how I feel. For instance, I'm much happier with the idea of inviting people round-which is a very good thing, considering we're hoping to do that a lot. When we were speaking about moving in here, my housemate said he thought God wanted him to be hospitable and pretty much have an open house. I felt that would be A Good Thing in my case, cos I'm very much capable of spending far too much time on my own if I don't have to be anywhere. I think it will be good for me to be in an environment where people will be coming round often. i'm looking forward to it...

What I didn't do at the weekend.

Well, I know I said I don't go out much, but as of Thursday eve, it looked like I might be having a very busy weekend this one just gone. Shame it didn't quite work out that way.
On Friday, I could have gone to a talk about climate change by a local group with links to Christian Ecology Link, which sounded interesting. Saturday I was supposed to be watching a couple of friends torment themselves with (very) hot chillis-I may have even be persuaded to join them. And I was reminded that I was invited to lunch with some friends, after which we were intending to Skype a friend in China Sunday afternoon. So, what actually happened?

Well, I went out Friday evening with the best of intentions. I was quite looking forward to the talk, even though I felt so tired I could well have fallen asleep, but I couldn't find it. Seriously. It shouldn't have been that difficult, but for some reason, it was. I wandered up and down the street a couple of times, but didn't find anywhere obviously being a venue for a talk on climate change. I was actually quite irritated-not so much because I didn't get to go, but because it shouldn't have happened that way. And I'm now slightly bothered as to where this venue actually is. Maybe I'll find it one day. Saturday was a similar story, in that I was fully intending to go, but didn't get there-this time, I didn't even leave the house. I got home from work (admittedly going via Costa), and then fell asleep. That wouldn't have been so much of a problem, if I'd managed to get a lift-I did ask a friend who lives round the corner, but she got taken ill and couldn't go out. So, it would have taken me about an hour to get there. That's the problem when you don't drive-things take so much longer than they otherwise might. Anyway, I was tired, and really not up to a long journey. So I didn't go. Shame. By all accounts, much amusement was derived from seeing them change colour after they ate the chillis. And I missed it!
And on Sunday, it was a bit up in the air as to whether I would get out in the afternoon after my landlord said he was coming round to pick up the rent cheques. Which could have been any time from about 2. I did think about going along earlier and then getting back here for 2, but it's a good thing I didn't, as he actually came about quarter to 2. Which is pretty much unheard of. I can't remember a time when he's been early before. So, then, I had the important decision of whether to go and catch up with what they were up to. And God told me to stay in and pray for a bit-thankfully they weren't expecting me. So, that turned out to be quite relaxing, just spending time with God. My flatmate was out, so there were no interruptions, and I could just kind of sit. With God. Which was brilliant-I definitely recommend it.
So, was that it? Did I actually go anywhere that weekend? Well, yes actually-Sunday evening I went to an event called Seek His Face, which was set up by a couple of friends. Other friends. Although they mostly know each other. The idea is for people from different churches to get togeher and worship. Together. It's been at the same place the first couple of times, but the idea is it will move around. The next two are pretty much planned already-come along if you can! Anyway, I went along and worshipped. On my own. And I wasn't the only one doing so. I looked round occasionally, and saw most of the people around the walls pretty much spending time with Him on their own, though in company. God was there in a most powerful but gentle way-at least for me. It was kind of an extension of what I was doing in the afternoon. I can't remember asking him anything or Him telling me anything, but I was very aware that He was there. With me, around me, in me. Always. I'm definitely looking forward to the next 'Seek His Face' event.
So, what did I learn from that-apart from that it's alway worth spending time with God. Just that things don't always work out the way you plan, or even think they might; but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Just a thing. There's an old Jewish saying quoted by Woody Allen-'if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans'-and, if that's the case, I need to remember to hold on to things loosely.