What I Learned From Books 3: Love And Romance (And Maybe Sex)

One of the things that surprises at least some people is the fact that I read so many books which fit into the category of 'chick-lit'. Some people are fine with the idea, but there are some people who do seem to have difficulty fitting it into their mental picture of me, for some reason. I'm not sure why - when I say I read pretty much anything, I mean it. Of course there are some things I tend to prefer (and I don't often read technical manuals for fun), but as I read a couple of hundred books a year, there's plenty of space for pretty much everything in there...

So, for those slightly less aware, what is 'chick-lit' anyway? Isn't it just romance? Not exactly, but that's still pretty close. It's like the difference between 'rom-coms' and 'chick flicks'. The main difference in my opinion is humour; 'chick-lit' does cover more than just romance, but the thing that they all have in common (at least the ones I've read) is a robust sense of humour. 'Chick-lit' does cover more, but it's rare that romance doesn't feature at all.

So, having read definitely over a hundred of them, what have I learned about life - and relationships? Well, apart from the fact that romance still seems to be incredibly important to women in general (and that men in general seem to be pretty bad at it - not just me, then), there do seem to be a few recurring themes. Which eitther mean that the authors are pretty unimaginative, or real life really is this messy. I'm going for the second option, personally. These general themes are: life is difficult; relationships are difficult; marriage. Oh, and sex rears its many splendoured head time and time again. The first one is kind of obvious, really - if everything goes smoothly, there wouldn't be much of a story. Ever. And if anyone tries to say that's unrealistic, that life is easy; I would just gently suggest that you probably don't live in the same world as approximately 98% of the world's population, somehow. But that's really just background; it's the second one, that relationships are difficult that the majority of the stories are about.

And they get to be made difficult for two main reasons, really. All relationships suffer from breakdowns in communication; sometimes it seems that they are shaped by the secrets they keep - and share. And I do mean all relationships - with friends, work colleagues, and family members, as well as romantic partners. It almost seems that no-one really trusts anyone - but that can't possibly be true.
And romantic relationships also are affected by attraction. And sex. Surprisingly, sex isn't just had by people who fancy one another - and even when it is, attraction can and does fade. The thing that puzzles me, that I just can't get my head around, is how people can see sex as meaningless and at the same time so important that it's one of the main things (romantic type) relationships are centred on. Not the only one, I know; but it's so rare for it not to be there that I almost think it's implied to be the only vital thing. (Of course, these are all in books, obviously; so they don't relate at all to real life? Right?)

And marriage. You might be surprised that I mention that, as I'm talking about books that are basically talking about romance - so marriage is pretty much to be expected, right? Well, when I thought about it, it did come as a surprise to me. We're always being told/shown in the media, in books, that romance and relationships don't have to end in marriage; or even have it as an aim anymore. No-one would be surprised to hear that; yet in these particular books marriage is a big thing - and not just in the ones in a historical setting, either. It's far more common than not for marriage to be a major part of the plot - and that does come as a surprise.


And I think I'll leave you with this cartoon from xkcd which neatly covers the first three points...

Holiness And Boredom

A bit of an odd title, you may think - or you may be entirely happy with the idea that the two are linked. It is, I understand, quite a common idea that holiness is boring; or, at least, doing the things that lead to holiness are. I know where this idea sort of comes from, but I've never really understood how it developed. From what I know, the idea is all to do with the idea of asceticism being the ultimate 'good'; and, even for those of us who still live in the world, the idea of self-denial being what holiness is all about. After all, one fruit of the Spirit is self-control, isn't it?

But self-control does not mean self-denial; not at all. In the same way that the word temperance has changed meaning - it originally meant 'moderation', now it is used to mean 'abstinence' (particularly from alcohol - another idea that the Bible doesn't teach) - there has been an overreaction in the direction of caution. People didn't want to teach grace as being completely unlimited, because it felt like there would be no incentive to grow, to change. Or something like that.

                                                     

As we know, or at least think we do, that God loves us, but doesn't want us to stay how we are, we want to co-operate; and we also want some sort of reassurance that we are doing the right thing, that we are 'getting it right'. And it's not so very far from there to coming up with rules and regulations; so that we may see how well we are doing - and how well others aren't. And that becomes a cage; it is restrictive, painful, annoying, and yes, boring.

That's not what God wants. He wants to give us life - a full life, an abundant life. And life means growth. We can't be perfect straight away, just like we can't be fully grown immediately - but the idea is that we can and will grow into full maturity. However long that takes. And one thing we can be sure of is that it will take longer than we would like it to. Growing is something that takes a loong time sometimes, and it's not entirely in our control - but we can encourage it to grow the way we want to grow. By what we eat and how (much) we exercise, for example. And what we do spiritually has exactly the same effect. That's what holiness is all about in the end. And, essentially, it is the end...

Take Note - An Interlude

Some things God said to me at church tonight. The first thing was to Take Note - God Is Interested In You. Not in a sort of scientist studying a fascinating and obscure specimen way; but that He wants to encourage you. He wants you to remember that He is for you, that He has your best interests in mind, and He wants to guide you into that future. He knows your potential, and He wants to encourage you that you can give more, do more and be more than you dreamed you could. Especially be more. He wants you to remember that.

That was at the beginning of a talk on grace. Grace is all about God reaching out to us, searching for us before we even thought about Him. And keeping on doing that. But it means more than that. He doesn't just want to stay at at distance, He wants to get close to us, and us to get close to Him. As Adrian Plass has said, it was easy for him to think that God loved him, but that didn't really mean much - after all, that's sort of His job. But what really helped him, was when he came to the understanding that, as he put it, God is nice and He likes me. So remember, God Is Nice, And He Likes You.

And the other thing He said was about promises. He wanted people to know that what He has promised, both generally and specifically, are real. He wanted to remind them of the promises, and underline them. He has not forgotten. I don't know what it is He has promised you, but He does and you do - He has not forgotten.

So, take note and remember...

Not Really About Robin Williams

By this point, anyone reading this will know the sad news of the death of Robin Williams on Monday. You may have seen or heard it on the news, but you've definitely seen and heard it on the internet. All over the place. On blogs and all over social media everywhere.

And if you've seen that, then you must have seen the massive outpourings of grief that followed this news. The same sort of reaction that follows whenever someone famous dies (well, almost). The sort of reaction that I just don't understand. And will never understand. Just to be clear here, I know that this is my issue - I am somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and this is something I will always have difficulty processing. I just point that out to show that this is something that doesn't come naturally to me.

So, why does this happen? I think that the tribute paid to Robin by his daughter gives us a clue.She said that he was one of the kindest, most generous souls... and that the world is forever darker, less colourful and with less laughter now he is gone. This is the same for everyone, but some people do appear to shine more brightly than most. And that reflected light is how we are supposed to look at the world - so let's not leave it until it's too late; untill the light goes out.
I tried thinking about how I might feel when someone famous I really like might go at some point. Like my favourite musicians:-

For those of you who are unfamiliar with them, they are Alice Cooper, Dolly Parton and Steve Taylor, none of whom I am likely to meet in this lifetime - but they are all Christians, so it's not totally out of the question that I may well meet them in the next. So I have the hope that when they pass on from this world, that won't be the end of the story for them. So I would be sad, but not devastated. I would miss their music; but, again, I have the hope that they won't stop making music...

Love, Friendship, Trust

I went to a wedding a few days ago, which was wonderful, and the minister gave a talk on love. Unsurprising, really. And it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before; but it is worth thinking about.

He started with some quotes about love and marriage, including this one:-

Which is, apparently, very well known - though it's a bit of a surprise who said it. Not a guy well known for saying positive sounding things. And this is positive, because he's not only diagnosing a problem (unhappy marriages), he's also providing a solution (friendship). A straightforward, common sense view of how marriage should work - a lot of people go on about love being what marriage is all about, and they mean romance/feeling good; but it's a lot more than that.
He did actually talk about romance as well, but he was absolutely for the idea that love is more than that. Things like sharing and forgiving, that are vital parts of any relationship. So, I started thinking about my friends and how I could better love them, be a better friend.

And a few days later (yes, the wedding was during the week), the talk about church was about being friends with Jesus - or about Him being friends with us, as He said He would be. And the important point of the talk was that friendship involves trust. Both that it is a place where trust can grow, and that trust is needed for the relationship to grow. And what applies to our relationship with Him applies similarly to all our friendships...

Magnificent Maleficent

I went to see 'Maleficent' a few weeks back, as I have a cineworld card, and I'm wanting to see a decent number of films. I think I've seen more so far than I did all year last year, and I enjoyed all of them. I would definitely see 'Maleficent' again, if I could persuade anyone to come with me.

It's a film about life and magic, but most of all about love. About romance, sure; but also about ambition, and proper parenting. That's love of power and love of children - or at least one child. That child being Aurora, otherwise known as Sleeping Beauty.

But it's not really about her, though she is a major character. It's about Maleficent, mainly (well, duh), and her experiences with love in many forms. It first displays itself as protecting, with everyone in her realm just caring for each other as a way of life. They act as if they honestly couldn't see any other way to live. And then the story starts. And a love of freedom, as most of them can fly - including Maleficent.

Things beging to happen, and things begin to change with the entrance of a human, a young boy; the first one she's ever seen. And she gets introduced to other forms of love, first friendship, then romance; which brings disappointment and heartbreak.

He gives her what he says is true love's kiss; but it was a lie. The boy got older, became a man, and the man had other loves. And, in the meantime, other people introduced yet more loves, in the form of love of wealth and power. The king of the land where the boy came from wanted Maleficent's land, and brought an army to take it.

Which introduced a love of battle - but the battle was short. The king was mortally wounded, and Maleficent won; but at a cost. She was betrayed, and lost her wings. The man the boy had become took her wings, and in return, became king, marrying the previous king's daughter.

And Maleficent changed. She stopped acting out of love, and started to rule by fear instead, locking away her realm with an impassable hedge of thorns. Well, almost. She could pass through, and did; turning up at the official presentation of the new king's daughter, Princess Aurora. Where she gave the new princess a gift, of sorts. Both a blessing and a curse combined. She promised that the princess would grow in beauty, being loved by all who met her; but that on her 16th birthday, she would prick her finger on the needle of a spindle and fall into a deathlike sleep. A sleep that could only be broken by true love's kiss - a curse which was, in her eyes, both entirely appropriate and unbreakable.

And so the new king did the best thing he could think of to try to avert catastrophe - he sent his daughter away in the care of three good, if somewhat incompetent, fairies until the day after her 16th birthday. You may doubt his love, but know that he never forgot his daughter.

And so Maleficent found herself in the unexpected position on looking after the child who she had no interest in, other than as a means to an end. She came to watch 'the little beastie', to see what happened, and found herself having to protect her more than once; though whether it was the blessing or the curse that inspired such, no-one will ever know.

And, deep in the heart of the forest, near the border of the two realms, tranquillity reigned. And peace grew in Maleficent's heart, as she came to be fond of 'the little beast'. And the two of them, princess and queen became something close to friends. But, then disaster struck, as the curse took hold; the truth was revealed, and Aurora ran from the only friend she'd ever known, back to the castle where her story began. A castle where all the spinning wheels in the kingdom had been collected and hidden away.

She arrived the day before her 16th birthday, and her father, who could see she was his daughter, tried to lock her away until it was safe; but the curse wouldn't be stopped. She went down to the dungeon, and pierced her finger, as she was cursed to do; and fell into a deathlike sleep. But there was hope. A prince from a nearby kingdom had met her a few days ago, and the fairies, Maleficent among them, wondered if he would be her true love. But, alas, it was not to be. He did indeed kiss her, but he didn't love her; and she didn't awake.

So Maleficent mourned. She vowed that not one day would pass without her trying to find a way to break the curse, and not one day would pass without her missing Aurora's sweet smile; and kissed her on the forehead. And Aurora awoke. The curse was broken by the one person who did love her, the one who had been around every day of her life, looking after her; true love indeed.

But the story doesn't end there. It continues with a dragon and danger, and flying and freedom, and a funeral; and it finishes with a celebration, a coronation to be precise. A princess became queen, and a queen abdicated; and the two realms became one. A happy ending if ever I heard one - and a story a bit different to the one you'll have heard, I've no doubt. A story about love, to be sure, but very little about romance.